Fulfillment and Frustration

Two very different states and/or emotions that have come up the last few days. What is really annoying about this state of affairs is that I’m experiencing both at the same time making a Zen like state that I strive for nearly impossible. Okay, I don’t really try and achieve Zen, but I’m a fan of balance to be sure. First fulfillment; I just completed the final draft of the second chapter of my dissertation. I’m well aware that once my advisor gets a hold of the final, complete draft that more work is coming, but to put this one behind me feels really good. This chapter took A LOT longer than I hoped and planned, partly due to work/kids/life, partly due to the amount of work needed and partly due to that great bugaboo laziness. But it’s finished now and onward and upward to chapter 3. I don’t know why exactly, but after finishing this draft I just have such a boost of self-confidence that maybe this is actually going to happen.

Now, frustration; I am on a plateau with regards to my weight and it’s starting to drive me a little batty. What is even more frustrating is that all other indicators are really positive: body fat 19% could be lower, but I’m pretty happy with that; maintaining a 34 inch waist; resting heart rate of 54, not bad; more muscular definition than I ever had. And yet the fucking scale hasn’t moved below 181 for close to a month. I’ve been tracking my food, working out, doing pretty much everything I did when I got down to 169 a couple of years ago. The frustration comes from two areas, I think, one positive and one negative. The positive is that I’m building more muscle, I’m leaner so there is less fat to lose. The negative is I’m cheating on my food way too much. Chips, cheese, even some sugary stuff that I supposedly gave up for Lent and more than a couple of times, eating way too much. Simply put, not good. What compounds the frustration is that I know I’m fucking up and yet I still do it. Scale day comes and 181 rolls around. What really pisses me off is the fact I’m so attached to a number. Being healthy doesn’t require a number, but it’s in my head and I’m pretty much stuck with it. We’ll see where it all goes next week.

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